Things I Wish You Knew

When I first found out about my infertility I reached out to an old friend.  She, herself, had battled through infertility so I asked if she had any advice or support groups that would help.  This is one of the documents she sent me.  That was six months ago.  Today I forwarded this document to another friend.. and while doing so decided to read over it again.  It was a much needed reminder of everything that I am feeling and going through.  Sometimes I think I am too hard on myself and expect too much.  Nothing I am going through is easy.. and I am certainly not perfect.  I can't worry about making sure I reach out to that friend I haven't heard from lately.. or making sure I don't offend so and so.  I'm only capable of taking care of myself right now.  And I'm even falling short in doing that!!

Things We Wish You Knew

• That it is probably the most devastating thing that we will ever experience
• That it ruins our self-esteem
• That it affects our relationships with everyone we know
• That it interferes with our day to day functioning
• That the medications make us moody and emotional and cause us to gain weight
• That it makes us feel violated
• That it is very expensive to go through treatment and to adopt
• That it is emotionally draining
• That it changes our lives forever - we will never again be the same people that we once were
• That people experiencing infertility have depression rates that are equal to those experiencing cancer
• That it is a life-altering experience
• That it makes us question everything we ever believed in
• These are medical issues, not lifestyle issues.  Talk to us as you would someone who has heart disease, diabetes, or any other medical condition.  Be a sounding board for the tests, results, side effects, etc of treatments NEVER suggest relaxing or having sex more often!
• Realize that a pregnancy that results from infertility is not the same as others.  Infertile couples may have a hard time easing up or enjoying their pregnancy.  After being used to receiving disappointment, pregnancy is not yet the end of the road.
• Even though your intentions are good, you will probably say something that is offensive to us because this is such a sensitive subject.
• No matter how close the friendship, it will be hard to completely connect with fertile friends.
• There is always something there that others cannot understand, even when you do try so hard to empathize.
• Infertility affects all aspects of your life and the pain is inescapable.  You are confronted with it at work, at the mall, walking down the street, on television, with family and friends when they don't know it.  Kids are life's common denominator.  When you can't participate in these conversations (and they are everywhere) you just don't fit in anywhere.
• Baby showers are one of the most painful events that we can be asked to attend.
• In this day and age people need to be more cognitive that some people may want kids and are having trouble and some people may not want children for certain reasons.  It is not up to family/friends to provide a running commentary on the issue.  You never know the situation of the person you are talking to (some people are not open about their infertility treatments) so it's better to err on the side of caution and not make a lot of pregnancy comments/questions.
• To remember that if I am acting mad at times, I am not mad at you, I am mad at my life.
• That I will talk about things that are happening with my treatment when I am ready and your probing and questions do not make me any readier to discuss "what I am going to do next"
• It's hard to know what I will be doing next.  If there were a script, it would be easier to predict the future, but everyone is different.
• That unless you have done what I've done and been through what I have been through, you can't possible know how I feel and can't possibly know what to tell me to do about the pain and frustration that infertility brings.
• That I will be okay again, but I do not know when so when I seem okay, just accept that as a good thing for the moment, and don't press me, because I don't know how long the feeling okay again thing will last.
• Going through infertility is like being on a roller coaster - there are constant ups and downs and surprising drops.  We never know what is around the next curve and work very hard to just stay fastened to our seats.
• Infertility is a journey that will take us to many places we never thought of or knew about and it will shape us into new people (some of our newness will be good and some will not) and change how we look at and deal with everything in our lives.  Once you've been on this journey you are never the same again.
• That the sadness that accompanies infertility sometimes comes unexpectedly and at the most awkward moments.  I wish I could plan my depression!  But unfortunately, it just doesn't work out like that.  Of course, these moments come when I'm surrounded by other people - watching TV with a group and you see a commercial with a couple holding a baby - totally unrelated to parenting, pregnancy or whatever, but it's just the image that is devastating.  Driving in a car and a song comes on the radio that talks about babies, parents: "Isn't She Lovely" by Stevie Wonder, "She's Having My Baby".
• For me (as I'm sure it is for a lot of people experiencing infertility) the greatest fear is that I will never have a child.  Each failed treatment cycle, especially as your treatment gets more high-tech, makes this fear even larger.  If we could just somehow know that we would have a child, a lot of the stress would be alleviated.
• I wish family and friends could understand why holidays, baby showers, and just hearing about or being around other people's children and pregnant woman, can be so hard sometimes.
• That medical treatments are very painful, emotionally and physically.  That infertility is a degrading experience-we often feel like failures, like our bodies are not our own, like everyone is the world has touched us, and most especially that the most private part of our lives (our physical relationship with our spouse) has been completely invaded.
• That infertility treatment is very clinical and definitely is not "fun".  that treatment cycles more very slowly. so try to be patient. That we are at the mercy of the medical world.
• That grief is a VERY important part of the healing process for us - please let us be sad when we need to be.  We have to mourn our losses.