Is It Better To Have Loved and Lost..

The old saying goes.. It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.  Today I'm watching Dr. Phil, about a couple that is completely devastated about losing their newborn child.  When I learn they have two other beautiful children I can feel resentment start to fill my body.  I ask myself.. Is it worse to have had a child and lost it (but fully capable of having more children OR already have other children) or to not have the capability to have children at all?  Then I scream out.. At least you can HAVE children lady!  Why do I feel this need to "top" others' stories?  This is not the first time I've listened to someone else's difficult times and thought to myself.. "please .. that is nothing compared to what I'm going through.. my story is much worse than yours".  For an instant I feel guilt and shamefulness for minimizing their pain.. but my anger over my situation always wins.  I win!  My situation is the worst.. tell me what I've won Johnny!  Nothing. I've won.. but in doing so.. I've lost. I've won nothing but guilt over minimizing someone else's pain.  It doesn't change my situation.  I still can't have children. I am no better because I say that what I'm going through is worse than what someone else is going through.  And for the record, deep down I don't REALLY believe that the fact that they have other children or have the capability of having other children means their pain of losing a child should be any less painful.  Here's what you don't understand though.. my thinking is not rational.  Going through these struggles makes me selfish and completely irrational.  Not a second in the day goes by without me being constantly reminded of what I'm going through and this awful hurt and pain that is just unbearable.  I am completely incapable of feeling empathy for anyone else.  Even writing that I feel this way makes me feel like I am this terrible person.

I remember several months ago reading other infertility blogs.  One woman talked about how every time she saw a pregnant woman she would say to herself, Bitch!  I thought, wow.. how awful that she's acting that way to these women.  I mean, they didn't cause her infertility.. it's not their fault that she can't have children but they can.  Then a few weeks ago I was walking out of a restaurant and passed a pregnant woman and actually said OUT LOUD, Bitch!  What?  Did that just come out of my mouth?  I get it now.  I get the anger and the irrational thoughts.  Much like my infertility, it's not something that is fair or something that I can control.