Our Story

On December 31, 2011 I married my best friend.  As cheesy as it sounds, it couldn't be more true.  Since Jeremy and I met later in life and had already known each other for several years, we didn't waste any time working on growing our family. 

In March 2012 we found out I was pregnant!  The very first time we tried we were successful.  This came as a huge surprise to me because I had always carried this feeling or this fear that I would not be able to have children.  People always ask where this feeling comes from, and to be honest I can't really explain it.  I just always felt like I wouldn't be able to have children.  Eight weeks into my pregnancy and the night before our first ultrasound I noticed light bleeding.  I knew in my heart something was wrong.  The next morning I woke up and instantly knew I wasn't pregnant anymore.  All of my symptoms had disappeared.  Jeremy and I went to the dr for the ultrasound.  I'll never forget looking at the monitor and seeing our little baby.  The hope, the excitement.. and how quickly everything I felt was gone as soon as I heard, "I'm sorry to say there's not a heartbeat."  What?  How can that be?  I see the baby right there!  I was devastated.  We were rushed to the next room where we were faced with the most difficult decision I've had to face so far,  D&C or miscarry naturally.  I expressed my decision to have a D&C without really understanding the full extent of it all.  Then I proceed to see the doctor write in red ink on my chart, ABORTION.  Abortion??  Must you call it abortion?  My baby lost it's heartbeat.. it's gone.. I'm not deciding to kill it!  For the next several months I visited that doctor, all I could see was that red inked ABORTION on my chart.  As if losing my child wasn't painful enough!

The next month we started trying again.  I honestly didn't think we would have any trouble getting immediately pregnant again.  Afterall, we got pregnant on the first try.. so I must be fertile. Right?  WRONG!  Several months of trying went by and no pregnancy.  All the while I'm gaining weight but not really caring, I mean I would be pregnant soon so what did it matter?  My current clothes got tighter and tighter but I wasn't about to buy new clothes because I would be pregnant soon so what was the point?  Finally I told my husband I felt like something was wrong.  He dismissed my feelings as just me being impatient (for those that know me, know that I am NOT a patient person!).  During my next visit to my obgyn I asked for clomid.  I was frustrated when my husband make some smart comment to the doctor about me being impatient.  Especially when she responded that we haven't been trying long enough and that it "takes time".   But she agreed to prescribe clomid, if we both did several tests first.  She wrote "Infertility" as a reason for the request on my chart.  I remember thinking, Look lady, I'm not infertile.. being "infertile" means you can't get pregnant.. and I can!  Trust me.. I am fertile!  I went to the front desk where the woman made my appointment for testing.  When she asked me why the need for the test I responded, Well the doctor put infertility but I'm not infertile.. I've been pregnant before!   HA!  Thinking about that makes me laugh now.. oh how little did I know! At any rate, if this doctor was going to make me jump through hoops then fine, I would appease her.  They sent Jeremy for a semen collection and me for a HSG test.  The doctor performing the HSG test walked in the room and asked me how long we had been trying to get pregnant.  I told her a little over six months.  Her reply was, "Oh that's not long at all!"  I wanted to scream at her!  I am 35, I don't have years to waste on trying to get pregnant!!  If something is wrong, I need to know now!  Why doesn't anyone understand this?!?!?!  After my test she was able to immediately tell me that I did not have any blockage in my tubes and everything looked good.  I started to think that there must be something wrong with Jeremy then!  I took my first dose of clomid and went to the doctor for blood work.  The next day they called and said that I have thyroid antibodies which can cause infertility and sometimes miscarriages.  Ohhh finally!  An answer!  Okay.. so what next?  The doctor immediately put me on synthroid and said "you should be pregnant in a few months!"  Happy, happy, joy, joy!!  A few days later I went back for my blood work and Jeremy's semen analysis results.  This is when I was told that everything with Jeremy was great, but not with me.  The doctor informed me that further blood work indicated I had an AMH of .19 and that my body was not responding to the fertility drugs.  She literally said, "There's nothing more I can do for you."  First of all, what is an AMH?  Second of all.. what do you mean there's nothing more you can do for me?!  You JUST said a few days ago that I'd be pregnant in a few months!  As I drove home I called Jeremy to literally give him the "it's not you, it's me" speech.  It was me.  I was the cause for us not being able to have children.  I didn't think my heart could break any more after having lost our child.. but it did at the thought that I might never be able to have children.

I still didn't really understand what an AMH of .19 meant.  I took several days and researched it.. and what it means when it's as low as mine.  I found that AMH is an indicator of a woman's ovarian reserve.  A "normal" range is 1.0 -3.0.  An AMH level of .3 is considered "very low".  Wow, mine was .19.  Pretty much non existent!  How could I be 35 and have almost no remaining eggs?!  I don't understand, women have babies after 40 all the time!  And I'm angry.. all anyone ever had to do was take a simple blood test and it would have saved me months of pain and depression.  Why don't doctors do these tests when you first come to them and tell them you plan to START trying?!  Why must you waste months or even years trying??

To understand more about our options, I made an appointment with a RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist).  We had our first visit at Reproductive Biology Associates (RBA) with Dr. Shapiro in October of 2012.  Let me first say that I LOVE this man!!  He is a straight talkin, joke lovin, quirky, Jewish man! Any man that can get me to walk out of his office laughing after what all I had been through.. deserves my respect! So Dr. Shapiro put it to us like this.. we had two options (IUI wasn't even on the table for our situation).  First, we could try IVF with my eggs.. while it was a long shot.. there was a slight possibility.  Or, we could do egg donation.  We could purchase eggs from an anonymous egg donor and they could be fertilized with my husband's sperm.  Jeremy and I knew we wanted to first give it a shot with my own eggs.  I was still on the fence about egg donation so I was hoping ivf with my eggs would work!  I started immediately on Lupron and the highest dosage allowed of Gonal-F.  Talk about the crazies!!! Of course it's not fun to give yourself three injections a day, but those hormones make you insane and sick!  And the highest dosage?! In the long run, I only produced one 1mm follicle.  One.  Only one. Only one tiny one.  ONLY ONE TINY ONE?!  This meant we had to cancel treatment.  No retrieval.. no eggs.. no transfer.. no baby! Dr. Shapiro asked what next and we replied, Egg donation!  He said he gathered I was the type of gal that once I made my mind up, everyone better move out of my way.  Am I that transparent? HA!  Anyway, he said he'd see us in a few months when we were ready.  One week later I marched in his office and said, I'm ready, let's do this!

In November I started acupuncture based upon the recommendation of a friend that had previously had a successful ivf pregnancy after doing it. I figured it couldn't hurt, and it could surely bring some peace and relaxation to my life!  In December 2012 we reviewed the available donors, picked what we felt was the best one for us and started egg donation IVF.  Pfh, more Lupron.. lovely!!  After Christmas came the estrogen shots every 3 days and daily baby aspirin.  I went in for blood work and ultrasound and my estrogen levels and uterine wall lining were GREAT!  I got a call early Saturday morning on January 12th, 2013 indicating that they had thawed 6 eggs and all 6 survived! They fertilized all 6 eggs and all 6 survived!!!  AMAZING news!!!  I started on daily evening shots of progesterone, an antibiotic - Doxycycline, and Medrol.  Ohhhh did all of these drugs bring back the memories of what it felt like to be pregnant again.  Didn't realize how much I missed being constantly nauseated LOL!  I received a call on Monday January 14th saying all the little embies were doing fine and they'd see me at the office for a day 5 transfer.  Wednesday morning I was so nervous.  Please Lord, let this work!  All of the medication and shots, while worth every bit of it, is still extremely painful and difficult!  The doctor comes in and him and the embryologist are giddy with excitement.  The doctor says we have 3 GREAT embryos.. that he could have not picked a better embryo to transfer.  I'm thinking, everything is falling into place.. everything is going so right.. this has to work!  We transfer one embryo and freeze 3.

Now starts the 10 day wait until I go back for a pregnancy test.  10 days.. the longest 10 days of my life.. so far.  Two days after the transfer I start feeling implantation cramping.  Oh my!!  Our little embryo is implanting.. this is a wonderful sign!  Three days to four days later.. nothing.  I can't feel anything.  My symptoms are gone.  Something is wrong.. I know it.. I can feel it's not right.  I take a home pregnancy test.. negative.  NEGATIVE??  How can that be?  I've experienced implantation cramps before.. so I KNOW our embryo was implanting!  Day ten the doctor calls with the official results - it's negative.  No baby.. once again.. no baby!  What happened to my "perfect embryo"??  I am officially a statistic.  Egg donation IVF has a success rate of 70% on the first attempt.. I am in the 30% that failed.  My embryo has failed my body.. my body has failed me.. and I have failed my husband.  The doctor explained to me that more than likely the embryo did implant.. then died.  I honestly can't remember exactly why he said this would happen.. something about the embryo probably having something that caused this.. I don't know.. that day and phone call are all a blur!  Sometimes I wish I knew a vampire that could look into my eyes and compel me to forget all of this that is happening to me!

Soooo.. what next in this quest to expand our family?  I get back up.. dust off my knees.. and we try this again!  (Actually I'd like to wait until the pain and bruising go away before I get back up just yet!) We have two great and one good quality snow babies left.  The doctor recommends we transfer two this time.. either two great.. or one great and one good.  We are still in the process of weighing what each decision would mean for us before we make a final one.  We have a few months before we have to decide.. so we'll see!  I think I probably have one... maaaaybe two attempts left in me.  After all that and we are still at "no baby" then I will accept that as my fate.  I refuse to let infertility consume my life.  I refuse to let it become me.  I refuse to let it take my happiness and my wonderful marriage.  I choose to embrace the wonderful, unconditional love that my husband has so graciously given to me and enjoy every minute we have left together!  I am infertile, but It is not me!!