The Wait Is Over...

Well, it's been a torturous wait.. much more so today but the results are FINALLY in!  I took the pregnancy test at 8:30am and didn't hear from the nurse until 2:30!!!  When I answered the phone I said.... you're killing me.. don't do this to me!  She said.. you don't know the results?  I said.. no! I didn't take a home pregnancy test.  She goes.. ohhh I thought you did.  No, so tell me!  Then I heard the most amazing words I've ever heard.. It's positive!! YAY! I am pregnant!  Of course I am super excited and I want to allow myself the victory, but I know there are still more challenges to face.  Wednesday I go back to the doctor to have my HCG level tested again.  They want to make sure it is rising like it should be.  I will feel more relaxed after I hear positive results from that!

My sweet husband was so excited he posted on his facebook about receiving exciting news.  Of course everyone started asking what the news was.  That's when he text me and was like.. umm.. are we sharing this news with everyone?  You ask that NOW?! haha!  I LOVE that he was so excited he wanted to share.  And honestly, there's no way I wouldn't have been able to keep it to myself.  I've made most of my struggle with infertility public knowledge so why would I stop now?  I realize we are not out of the clear, but if something were to happen.. I'd want to be able to use my blog as an outlet.  And since I've started blogging, I have received an outpouring of love and support. I would need that love and support more than anything if anything went wrong!  So I have every intention of continuing to share our journey...

Our Decision to Use Egg Donation

I have been wanting to write about our decision to go with egg donation for a while now, I just couldn't ever find the right time.  Last night my uncle text me out of the blue.  I actually haven't spoken to him since Christmas.  He said he'd been looking through some pictures and came across some he thought I'd like to have.  This is one of the pictures he text'd to me.  It's a picture of me and my cousin Danny, who tragically died a few years ago.

Danny and my uncle were close, so I know it was a difficult picture for him to see.  It was difficult for me to see too, but for a different reason.  When I saw it I just began to cry.  I've always thought I was such a cute little girl.  As I got older I imagined having a little girl that looked exactly like me.  I imagined looking at her and just smiling and thinking.. you look sooo much like me!  Now I know.. I'll never be able to say that.

When you read "Our Story" it really does seem like moving to egg donation was an easy decision for us.. but it wasn't!  Of course my sweet, loving husband was on board with whatever decision I had made about whether to use an egg donor or not.  It was a much more difficult decision for me!  After trying ivf with my own eggs was a failure, I had to mourn the possibility of seeing myself in my children. I wasn't immediately open to using egg donation.  I had mixed feelings.  I sought counseling about the decision and my concerns.  Most of all.. like I said.. I'll never be able to have a child that looks like me.  What do I say when someone says to me, "Oh your son/daughter looks so much like you!".  "No he/she doesn't... they aren't even genetically mine so you don't even know what you're talking about".  Hmm.. that doesn't seem like a nice response :)  What do I say to my child when they are old enough to realize that they don't have the same blood type that Jeremy and I do?  (We are both A+).  What if they end up having a genetic disorder that my husband and I don't have?  How do I explain that one to them??  One of the best gifts my mom could have ever given me was her creativity.  It is a very, very special gift that I am soooo very grateful to have. It breaks my heart that I have lost the ability to pass that gift on to my child!  And it felt like essentially my husband would be having a child with another woman!  The thought of that really gets my blood boiling! :)  Eventually I agreed to use egg donation.  Through counseling I learned that if someone tells me my child looks like me.. I can graciously thank them and keep it moving!  And honestly.. there are so many children that don't resemble their parents at all.  Heck, I personally know adopted children that look sooo much like their adopted parents!  Jeremy and I learned of books we can buy.. and ways to educate our child about our  egg donation choice.  I couldn't bear the thought of not telling my child and then something happening when they are older and they found out.  I just felt like they would think that we lied to them their whole life.  I didn't want to feel like I was keeping secrets from them.  Everyone in the family would know.. but them.  And the process of selecting an egg donor helped.  We used an egg bank, so literally we looked at pages and pages of donors.  One of my friends was looking through the donors with me and made the comment, this is like a Sears catalog of donors! haha!  We were able to choose donors based on eye color, hair color and texture, height, weight, build, blood type, education level, academic interests, career, hobbies.. and to view baby pictures and a full genetic report of them.  We had the medical history of their siblings and parents and grandparents.  Armed with all of this knowledge helped ease my mind.  Most importantly though, ultimately, if it comes down to the decision of not having children at all.. or having to use egg donation.. I choose egg donation!

2WW

Many of you have been emailing or asking me.. When will you know something?  So I thought I'd give everyone an update.  4 more days of my 2ww.  For those of you that don't know, that means "two week wait".  After a transfer, you have to wait approximately two weeks to take a pregnancy test.  Technically it's 10 days.. but since my 10th day falls on a Sunday, I have to wait an extra day.  Trust me when I say it is the longest wait of a infertile woman's life!!!  After my first transfer I tortured myself.  I constantly searched the internet for anything I could read about symptoms.. failure rates.. success rates.. egg donation.. !!  I had felt implantation cramping for a few days.. but those had stopped.  Finally on day 8 I had tortured myself enough and took a home pregnancy test.  BIG MISTAKE!  It was a Wednesday after work.. I went home and took the test.  Negative.  My heart sank.  I was literally a walking zombie for two days until my scheduled blood test.  I wasn't feeling any pregnancy symptoms anymore.. so I just knew I wasn't pregnant.  Of course everyone else was saying.. well it could be a false negative..  just wait for the blood test.. it could still be positive.  So about 2% of me still had hope that the blood test would be positive.  Then on Friday the official results came back.  Negative.  A second hard kick in the gut.  I knew it.  I knew when I had stopped feeling the symptoms that it meant I wasn't pregnant.  

This time around has been a little different.  About the same time as last time, I started feeling light cramping.  Last time the cramping got severe and very painful, this time it's remained light.  This time around I've felt a lot more nauseated... add bloating and indigestion to that!  I read somewhere that ivf patients feel pregnancy symptoms earlier than a naturally pregnant woman would.  "I read it on the internet.. if it's on the internet it must be true". haha!  I love that commercial!  Any way, it makes sense to me since the embryo is 5/6 days old when they transfer it.  The first time around I thought that if the embryo just implanted that I was home free.  I had no idea that it could be a "dud" and nothing happen after implantation.  So at first, I just wanted to feel implatation symptoms.  Once I felt those, I just wanted to continue to feel pregnancy symptoms.  Those that have struggled with infertility know what I'm talking about.  All day long I say to myself.. just give me a sign you're still there.. give me a cramp.. some nausea.. anything!  If I'm not feeling anything I'm fearful that it's gone.  So I have to be one of the few woman that say.. Thank you God for nausea.. indigestion... bloating.. constipation!  I will be happy and extremely grateful to feel them for another 9 months!  This morning I woke up and immediately felt hungry.  First thing I thought.. thank you God for hunger pains!  My next goal is to achieve a positive pregnancy test.  Then I will just want to hear a heart beat.  Once I hear that heart beat I will say.. I'll feel better after the first trimester.  Much like my last post, it's difficult for infertile women to ever feel at ease or to enjoy their pregnancy.  We are so used to disappointment, we always fear the worst.  So for now I just pray that these symptoms continue and we achieve a positive pregnancy test!  Thank you for all the emails, phone calls and texts with support and well wishes we've received!!

Things I Wish You Knew

When I first found out about my infertility I reached out to an old friend.  She, herself, had battled through infertility so I asked if she had any advice or support groups that would help.  This is one of the documents she sent me.  That was six months ago.  Today I forwarded this document to another friend.. and while doing so decided to read over it again.  It was a much needed reminder of everything that I am feeling and going through.  Sometimes I think I am too hard on myself and expect too much.  Nothing I am going through is easy.. and I am certainly not perfect.  I can't worry about making sure I reach out to that friend I haven't heard from lately.. or making sure I don't offend so and so.  I'm only capable of taking care of myself right now.  And I'm even falling short in doing that!!

Things We Wish You Knew

• That it is probably the most devastating thing that we will ever experience
• That it ruins our self-esteem
• That it affects our relationships with everyone we know
• That it interferes with our day to day functioning
• That the medications make us moody and emotional and cause us to gain weight
• That it makes us feel violated
• That it is very expensive to go through treatment and to adopt
• That it is emotionally draining
• That it changes our lives forever - we will never again be the same people that we once were
• That people experiencing infertility have depression rates that are equal to those experiencing cancer
• That it is a life-altering experience
• That it makes us question everything we ever believed in
• These are medical issues, not lifestyle issues.  Talk to us as you would someone who has heart disease, diabetes, or any other medical condition.  Be a sounding board for the tests, results, side effects, etc of treatments NEVER suggest relaxing or having sex more often!
• Realize that a pregnancy that results from infertility is not the same as others.  Infertile couples may have a hard time easing up or enjoying their pregnancy.  After being used to receiving disappointment, pregnancy is not yet the end of the road.
• Even though your intentions are good, you will probably say something that is offensive to us because this is such a sensitive subject.
• No matter how close the friendship, it will be hard to completely connect with fertile friends.
• There is always something there that others cannot understand, even when you do try so hard to empathize.
• Infertility affects all aspects of your life and the pain is inescapable.  You are confronted with it at work, at the mall, walking down the street, on television, with family and friends when they don't know it.  Kids are life's common denominator.  When you can't participate in these conversations (and they are everywhere) you just don't fit in anywhere.
• Baby showers are one of the most painful events that we can be asked to attend.
• In this day and age people need to be more cognitive that some people may want kids and are having trouble and some people may not want children for certain reasons.  It is not up to family/friends to provide a running commentary on the issue.  You never know the situation of the person you are talking to (some people are not open about their infertility treatments) so it's better to err on the side of caution and not make a lot of pregnancy comments/questions.
• To remember that if I am acting mad at times, I am not mad at you, I am mad at my life.
• That I will talk about things that are happening with my treatment when I am ready and your probing and questions do not make me any readier to discuss "what I am going to do next"
• It's hard to know what I will be doing next.  If there were a script, it would be easier to predict the future, but everyone is different.
• That unless you have done what I've done and been through what I have been through, you can't possible know how I feel and can't possibly know what to tell me to do about the pain and frustration that infertility brings.
• That I will be okay again, but I do not know when so when I seem okay, just accept that as a good thing for the moment, and don't press me, because I don't know how long the feeling okay again thing will last.
• Going through infertility is like being on a roller coaster - there are constant ups and downs and surprising drops.  We never know what is around the next curve and work very hard to just stay fastened to our seats.
• Infertility is a journey that will take us to many places we never thought of or knew about and it will shape us into new people (some of our newness will be good and some will not) and change how we look at and deal with everything in our lives.  Once you've been on this journey you are never the same again.
• That the sadness that accompanies infertility sometimes comes unexpectedly and at the most awkward moments.  I wish I could plan my depression!  But unfortunately, it just doesn't work out like that.  Of course, these moments come when I'm surrounded by other people - watching TV with a group and you see a commercial with a couple holding a baby - totally unrelated to parenting, pregnancy or whatever, but it's just the image that is devastating.  Driving in a car and a song comes on the radio that talks about babies, parents: "Isn't She Lovely" by Stevie Wonder, "She's Having My Baby".
• For me (as I'm sure it is for a lot of people experiencing infertility) the greatest fear is that I will never have a child.  Each failed treatment cycle, especially as your treatment gets more high-tech, makes this fear even larger.  If we could just somehow know that we would have a child, a lot of the stress would be alleviated.
• I wish family and friends could understand why holidays, baby showers, and just hearing about or being around other people's children and pregnant woman, can be so hard sometimes.
• That medical treatments are very painful, emotionally and physically.  That infertility is a degrading experience-we often feel like failures, like our bodies are not our own, like everyone is the world has touched us, and most especially that the most private part of our lives (our physical relationship with our spouse) has been completely invaded.
• That infertility treatment is very clinical and definitely is not "fun".  that treatment cycles more very slowly. so try to be patient. That we are at the mercy of the medical world.
• That grief is a VERY important part of the healing process for us - please let us be sad when we need to be.  We have to mourn our losses.

Living By Faith

Some of you may know that I am a couponer.  Whenever I say that people always immediately respond, Are you one of those crazy coupon people?  Well......... define "crazy". hahaha!  Seriously though, I don't consider myself an "extreme couponer" by any means.  I do have a stockpile, I don't get things just because they are free, but most of all... I do share!  My stockpile even has a name among my friends and I, "The Harrison Country Store"!  (I seriously giggled out loud just typing that!)  At any rate, after my miscarriage last year I started a stockpile of diapers and wipes.  I read a blog from a mom of 6 that estimated a "stock up price" on diapers and an estimate of how many diapers a child goes through at each size.  I knew that diapers and wipes are a huge expense, so I figured I'd help out the budget a little by starting early.  When I started my stockpile I had no idea that we would have this much trouble getting pregnant again.  But on the bright side, if being parents isn't in God's plan for us, at least I will be able to donate these to a mom that needs them!

One day I sent a picture of my stockpile to my best friend.  It was more of a joke because her husband always teases her about her stockpile of cereal.  I think I even said in my text, If he thinks your stockpile is a joke, just wait till he sees mine!  I mean, here I am with a ton of diapers and wipes.. and I'm not even pregnant!!  Little did I know that she would respond with the sweetest words.. When he saw my picture he said.. I call that living by faith.  Wow.  His words literally brought tears to my eyes.  I never even thought to consider it that way.

So now when people say, "You know having twins means double the diapers and wipes" I laugh!  First, of course it means double the diapers and wipes.. you have two babies!  (thanks Captain Obvious!) Second, they don't know I am armed with "The Harrison Country Store".  No worries, I got this.. thanks to "Living by Faith"!

PS. I'm almost ashamed to admit that I actually have more diapers, I just didn't feel like getting them down from the attic :)

The Big Day!

Today was the day!  Everything went very well, actually much better than the last time.  I wasn't as nervous, and didn't have an upset stomach.  I can't say that I'm a fan of the "replacement" doctor though haha!  Just wasn't the same without Dr. Shapiro there making quirky Jewish jokes.  This doctor just walked in and was like, do you have any questions?  I said, yes.. can we get this started so I don't pee on you during the procedure?! They ask that you come with a full bladder, so I did.  But then they took a long time to get me back and for the doctor to show.. so I really was like.. I'm going to pee on someone if we don't move this along.  Apparently the doctor didn't find it as humorous as I did :)  I was trying to relieve some of the tension by making other sarcastic comments but he was a tough audience!  When he was done he simply shook my hand and left the room.  Booooo I want my other doctor back!  I did tell his nurse to be sure to tell him I said to never go on vacation again like this :)

If you are interested, here is a picture of our little embies...

Kinda neat how much you can tell the difference between them.  The one on the left is obviously the day 6 embryo, and the one considered "good".  As opposed to the day 5 embryo on the right, also known as "perfect".

Now I just take it easy through the weekend and go back for a pregnancy test on Monday the 29th.  I know it's going to seem like it's forever!!

Attempt #4

Well tomorrow is attempt #4!  Finally!!!  The time has come.  There was a time when I didn't think we'd ever get here again.  At least the drugs haven't been so bad this time around.  A little nausea.. a lotta exhaustion.. and a lotta soreness in the arse :)  But we are here!

The nurse calls this morning to tell me the scheduled time for the transfer.  It's tomorrow at 12:30pm.  Then she says, Dr. Shapiro is out of the office today and tomorrow so Dr. Straub will be doing your procedure.  WHAT?  Whooooaaaa.. wait a minute.. what the heck?!  Who let him go on vacation?  Tears start to fill my eyes.  I reply back to the nurse, oh no.. I want to cry!  She says.. please don't you will make me cry.  So then I apologize blaming the hormones.  Really, that was just me being nice.  But seriously?! How could he be out?!  My coworker was like, well is the other dr a good dr?  It wouldn't matter if the other doctor was the best in the world.  You don't understand.  Everything I have been through with Dr. Shapiro.. and this procedure is a very intimate procedure.  You build this very strong relationship with all the people involved in helping your dreams of having children come true.  Obviously it's a very emotional process.. and Dr. Shapiro has been with me through it.  He knows me.. I feel like he knows what's best for me.  I'm trying to be relaxed but I can't help but feel anxiety about the unknown of another doctor.  Hopefully I will feel better after seeing Jenny today (my acupuncturist).

After the transfer Jeremy will leave for Birmingham.  I will be on my own this weekend.  Shots and all!  He was gone last weekend too so it was my very first time to do my own shots in the butt.  I had so much anxiety of not being able to do them, of experiencing pain, etc.  I actually surprised myself though!  I can't say I was graceful, but I got the job done!  I feel like through out this process there have been so many times that I didn't think I'd make it.. that there was just no way I was strong enough to survive.  But everytime I have pulled through it.  Each time I do, I come out on the other end a stronger person.  So I guess that means having Dr. Straub do this procedure will make me even STRONGER! haha!  Anyway, say a prayer for us!!

Who You Are

Today I received the sweetest email from one of my very best friends.  She shared this video/song with me with a warning that it might make me cry.  I've always loved JJ Heller.. her songs are very powerful and this one surely does not disappoint! It's usually during my darkest times that I turn to music.  And you would think if I was depressed that I would put cheerful music on with a fast tempo.  Nope.  Not me.  I find the saddest, most depressing songs with the deepest meanings.  Have no idea why.  I guess I'll save that for a counseling session :)  Anyway, this one is definitely playlist worthy!

**PS.  Unlike this song, I hope I am not still waiting at 41 years old!

Is It Better To Have Loved and Lost..

The old saying goes.. It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.  Today I'm watching Dr. Phil, about a couple that is completely devastated about losing their newborn child.  When I learn they have two other beautiful children I can feel resentment start to fill my body.  I ask myself.. Is it worse to have had a child and lost it (but fully capable of having more children OR already have other children) or to not have the capability to have children at all?  Then I scream out.. At least you can HAVE children lady!  Why do I feel this need to "top" others' stories?  This is not the first time I've listened to someone else's difficult times and thought to myself.. "please .. that is nothing compared to what I'm going through.. my story is much worse than yours".  For an instant I feel guilt and shamefulness for minimizing their pain.. but my anger over my situation always wins.  I win!  My situation is the worst.. tell me what I've won Johnny!  Nothing. I've won.. but in doing so.. I've lost. I've won nothing but guilt over minimizing someone else's pain.  It doesn't change my situation.  I still can't have children. I am no better because I say that what I'm going through is worse than what someone else is going through.  And for the record, deep down I don't REALLY believe that the fact that they have other children or have the capability of having other children means their pain of losing a child should be any less painful.  Here's what you don't understand though.. my thinking is not rational.  Going through these struggles makes me selfish and completely irrational.  Not a second in the day goes by without me being constantly reminded of what I'm going through and this awful hurt and pain that is just unbearable.  I am completely incapable of feeling empathy for anyone else.  Even writing that I feel this way makes me feel like I am this terrible person.

I remember several months ago reading other infertility blogs.  One woman talked about how every time she saw a pregnant woman she would say to herself, Bitch!  I thought, wow.. how awful that she's acting that way to these women.  I mean, they didn't cause her infertility.. it's not their fault that she can't have children but they can.  Then a few weeks ago I was walking out of a restaurant and passed a pregnant woman and actually said OUT LOUD, Bitch!  What?  Did that just come out of my mouth?  I get it now.  I get the anger and the irrational thoughts.  Much like my infertility, it's not something that is fair or something that I can control.

Girls' Weekend!

So this past weekend I had the pleasure of being the host to a girls' weekend!  For me, the only thing better than retail therapy is friend therapy!  Marietta drove in from Nashville and Lisa flew in from Houston.  The timing was actually perfect and was a great distraction from everything.  We didn't do anything glamorous or exciting.. just kept each other company and reminisced.  Well, Lisa did most of the reminiscing of "Sutton Hill" lol.  I'd have to say my favorite part of the weekend was our Paint Your Pet class!  (thanks to Lisa for the GENIOUS idea!)  Don't our paintings look great?!

Sometimes it's easy to get wrapped up in our own lives.. I am guilty of it myself.  But it's great to know that when I really need a break from reality, I have friends that are there for me.  It's been interesting to see throughout this process who has been the most supportive and encouraging.  Since I've openly shared our struggles, I've had people I haven't talked to in years contact me just to let me know they are praying for me and some even shared their own infertility struggles.  However, on the flip side, I've had people that I've known for years completely ignore me.  I try not to dwell on the later, I have enough battles in my life to be concerned with those people.  Right now I choose to be thankful for the love and encouragement that I do receive because there are days it's the only thing that keeps me going!

9 more days until our next transfer!!!!

Here We Go.. AGAIN!

It's been several days since I've had a chance to post.  So much has happened!!  First, my new business is keeping me super busy!  I guess it's good because it means my mind doesn't have time to wander.  Last Saturday I finally took a day to myself.  Yup, no orders.. no volleyball.. no cleaning.. no nothing!  Just a pedicure and some shopping.  Plus I'm SUPER excited about a girls' weekend this weekend.  It is MUCH needed.  Bring on the spa.. the wine.. and the girl talk.

So let me catch you up to speed.  Last Wednesday I went to my gynecologist for an ultrasound.  My doctor was looking at the ultrasound and saying, Are you suuuure you're not pregnant?  Lady.. you're the one with the camera in my uterus.. you tell me!!!  Apparently my body was convinced I was.  My uterine wall was 11mm... too thick for someone that wasn't pregnant.  And I wasn't ovulating.  Well... even my body thinks I should be pregnant!!  She's visibly upset at how thick my wall is and does another ultrasound to check for fibroids.   When she doesn't find any, she asks me to come back the next day to do a biopsy.  I go back the next day as she attempts FOUR times to do the biopsy.  Remember that awful pain I had to endure over a month ago.. that's what I had to endure four more times as she tries to get a sample.  Finally she gives up because I'm in so much pain.  She decides she's just not sure why I'm not ovulating but gives me a prescription to take to induce my period.

The next day I decided not having any answers wasn't good enough for me.  My stomach was inflated and it actually LOOKED like I was pregnant.  I was still having awful cramps and pains.  I needed answers!  I called my RE and went into their office for blood work.  The nurse had told me that they'd be able to check my estrogen and progesterone levels which would tell me whether I had, was about to or hadn't ovulated.  A few hours after my blood work the nurse calls to tell me that my levels were really low.. indicating that I was about to start my period.  She said that the doctor wasn't worried about anything and said to just take my medicine for a few days and my period should come.  So I asked.. how does this affect my next transfer?  Do I need to wait another month to see if I ovulate on my own?!  She responds, We really don't care if you ovulate.. it's actually better for us if you don't.  All they cared about is shedding my lining so we could start the process of building it back up.  I felt a little better after having talked to her.  The reproductive system is such a complicated thing.. I think I should stick with just going to the specialists!

That night I get home aaaaaaaaaaand my period started on its own!  Really?!  How in the world will I ever survive this emotional roller coaster?  I feel like as soon as you're diagnosed with infertility they should tell you.. Strap in honey... you're in for the ride of your life!!  At any rate, it was pretty exciting that I started on my own.  This means my checklist is BACK!  I started my injections on Saturday and called in my period this morning.  The nurse emailed me my new protocol and made my next ultrasound appointments.  I am on track for a April 18th transfer date.  This time we have decided to transfer two embryos.. cross your fingers for us!!!