Normal to Neurotic

I've officially gone from Dr. Shapiro's most "normal" patient to his most neurotic.. and only because of the addition of one pink line!!  When I first went to Dr. Shapiro he explained to me that I would probably have very little chance of successfully doing ivf with my own eggs.  When I asked him if I could please try with myself first, he said on one condition.  He made me promise that if it didn't work, that I wouldn't fall to my hands and knees begging him to let me try again.  (Apparently this had happened to him with another patient).  I made the promise to him and I tried.  Aaaand it was a failure!  I kept my promise though, when he said what next.. I didn't fall to my knees.. I didn't cry.. I didn't plead.. I simply replied.. egg donation.  When we were discussing the donors with him we felt like their profiles covered any questions we had about the donor.  When he asked if we had anymore questions, our reply was simply.. nope.  Then I asked, do people normally ask more questions?  Is there something I should be asking but I'm not?  He laughed and tossed out a few silly (or what I deemed as silly) questions that some people have asked him in the past.  Then he said... honestly.. you're one of my most normal patients.  Me??  Normal??  Really because I don't see myself that way.

Well..... pretty sure I changed his perception of me yesterday, ha!  All day Sunday I didn't have any pregnancy symptoms.  I began to question if something was wrong.  Why don't I feel the cramping anymore?  I felt too good to be pregnant!  All of these horrible fears filled my thoughts.  I couldn't sleep all night.  I finally woke up my husband at 4:30am to literally just cry on his shoulder.  (Seriously, I have the MOST amazing husband EVER!)  What if we had lost our baby.. AGAIN!?  I couldn't stand the thought.  The next morning I called the doctor and left a message.  The nurse called me back and asked what was wrong.  I asked her if I could come in and take another test to check my hcg level.  She replied, is something the matter?  I told her that I didn't feel any symptoms all day on Sunday and I was scared.  She goes, well you won't have symptoms every day.  Did you experience spotting?  Any severe pain?  Nope.  Neither.  She says, well you're more than welcome to come in for another test, but it's not a true indicator that everything is going smoothly.  I told her I'd like to come in any way, just for the reassurance.

When I walked into their office I was greeted by the receptionist.  I told her that I probably wasn't on her appointment list but the nurse had to told me to come in.  She replies, yes Leslie.. Jennifer called and said to expect you.  I say, Did she say to expect her neurotic patient?  She says, How did you know?  I just start balling.. yes.. right there in the middle of the office for everyone to see!  She goes.. oh honey I'm kidding.  Lots of women do this same thing.. it's okay.  Any way, they took the test again.. and my hcg was 732.  Whew!  It's doubling like it should be.  For an instant I get reassurance that my baby is okay.  Just for an instant though.. because I'm sure as soon as I stop feeling symptoms again.. I will be fearful once again that we've lost our baby.  My next visit will be next Monday.. I hope I last that long!!!