I'm Pregnant.. No I'm Not.. Yes I Am

My days are always filled with ups and downs.. but the past few days have especially been filled with them!  It all started on Friday.  I woke up that morning and realized I'd slept through the night.  All the other nights I woke up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom.  I just knew though, that I had miscarried.  I hadn't felt any symptoms since Tuesday.  My stomach was no longer bloated and it was back to being flat.  It's gone, I thought.  Friday evening as Jeremy and I were going to bed I fell to the ground in pain.  I had extreme cramping to where I couldn't do anything but lay on the floor crying.  I remember crying out, It's not FAIR!

The next day I just laid around the house all day.  I was angry, sad and resentful!  I was mad at God and at my doctor.  I thought donor eggs were supposed to be our answer.  Shoot, I had better luck with my own eggs and they were FREE!  That morning I didn't take my estrogen shot.  What's the point of enduring anymore pain, I'm not pregnant anymore!  Sunday came.  Mother's Day has to be my LEAST favorite holiday.  Society and the media assume that all women are mothers.. or have one.  Well guess what.. I am and have.. neither!  It was a constant bombardment of reminders that I am not a mother.. and have very little chance of ever being one.  How could I ever live my life with 40 more years of Mother's Days??  As the day continued I started to plan our life without children.  I'd decided that I'd spend the next six months getting my body back into shape and then Jeremy and I would spend Christmas vacation on an island.  Something we'd never be able to do with children.  I started to think of where I could donate all the baby items I have.  Pretty much I had resigned to the fact that we were destined to a life without children.  That night I didn't take my progesterone shot.  I thought, well at least I don't have to endure those painful shots anymore!!

Monday morning I woke up, once again, without having to wake up the middle of the night to go to the bathroom.  I went to my standing appointment for blood work, knowing the results already.  Afterwards I headed back to work.  I shared with a few coworkers and my boss that we had lost the baby.  I text my cousin and asked her to please share with her side of the family that we'd lost the baby because I just couldn't bear to call anyone and tell them.  3pm came along and the nurse called with my results.  She announced her name and asked how I was doing.   I said, not good.  When she asked why, I replied.. because I know what you're about to tell me.  She was like.. I'm confused.  She said.. your numbers look great.. your hcg level is 4093.  I started shaking and told her, that's impossible.. I'm not pregnant.  She was all.. excuse me?  Yes you are.  I said.. no.. I don't believe that test.  I told her I don't have any symptoms.. and I'm not talking about I'm missing one or two symptoms, but them all!  I even ran up the stairs this morning and wasn't out of breath!  My stomach is completely FLAT!  She said.. well you won't always have symptoms and maybe the bloating is down.  People don't always show at 6 weeks!  I said.. No.. I'm telling you.. I'm not pregnant.. I lost the baby.  She says.. There's no way your hcg could be that high if you've miscarried.  Nothing she was going to say was going to convince me that I was still pregnant.  Soooo.. I demanded an ultrasound.  I told her, you're going to do an ultrasound tomorrow to prove to me then!  I hung up the phone and immediately thought.. oh no.. I drank Dr. Pepper this weekend because I thought I wasn't pregnant anymore!  Seriously Leslie.. that's the one thing you think of?  I'd missed a dose of estrogen and progesterone.. but I was worried about drinking the Dr. Pepper?!  What's the lesson here kids?  NEVER stop taking your medication unless the doctor tells you.. AND.. apparently you can be pregnant and not have any symptoms for longer than a few days!  Ooooo when will this roller coaster come to a complete stop?!?!