8 Weeks and 4 Days

After our last dr's visit, I had prepared myself for the worst.  If I was to miscarry, I just hoped that it wouldn't be during our vacation in Louisville. As we headed to the USA Volleyball Adults Nationals in Louisville, KY, I prayed.  Lord, if it is your will, then so be it.. but please not while we are on vacation.  I wouldn't know where the hospitals were.. and I surely didn't want it to mess everything up for Jeremy's team.  I had already had such a wonderful experience being pregnant, so I would just be grateful for the time I was given.
During our trip, at the end of every day I thought, thank you for giving me an extra day.  When we got home I thought, okay, we are safe at home.. I know where the hospitals are and where we need to go.  Thank you Lord for allowing me that time to enjoy being pregnant!  This morning we headed to our scheduled ultrasound.  I had no idea if the baby was going to measure the size it should, if we'd hear a heartbeat.. or if we'd be told there was something else wrong!  I laid on the table as the ultrasound tech did her thing.  It was only a few brief minutes before she was assuring me everything looked good.  She turned the monitor towards us and we heard the most beautiful sound I have heard in my life.. our baby's heartbeat.  Very strong and very loud!  We even saw it do a little jerking move.  The tech says, did you see that?!  Yes I did! I was finally able to actually see our sweet baby! I asked, is it measuring okay?  Yes, she says, exactly as it should at 8 weeks and 4 days!!  Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!

We moved to the patient room and waited for the dr.  When he came in we talked about medication, measurements and chances of miscarriage (of course).  First he asked if I'd like to change the type of progesterone I was using.  Nah.. it's only a few more weeks.. I'll stick with the injections. Then he says I can lower my dose of estrogen.  Right now I do estrogen injections every three days.. so I ask.. can I do the same dosage just every 6 days??  No, he says, just half the amount every three days.  Seriously?!  That doesn't do me ANY favors!!  Then he says, you can move to the pill form.  Well why didn't you say that!  SOLD!  I'll take a daily pill.. sign me up!  One less injection for me, yay!  He then mentions that the gestational sac is still measuring small, only 6 weeks and 4 days.  He doesn't seem concerned though since we have a very strong heartbeat and the baby is measuring spot on.  He said that the kidneys will be forming this week so he thinks this might help increase the size.  He said that the sac might always be smaller than it should.  When he releases me at 10 1/2 weeks we'd just have to share that info with the OB.  And if we asked them why it was small.. they'd just say they weren't sure either.  I ask, does this still mean I have an increased risk of miscarriage?  He motions with his fingers, very, very small.  He says, once you reach 9 weeks your chance of miscarriage drops to 1% though.  9 weeks?!  3 more days?!  I can do this!!!  I mention my recent nausea to him.  Ever since I hit 8 weeks exactly, I've had nausea every night.  He says, Nausea is good.. we like nausea.  Well I'm glad you do.. but I'm not a big fan of it! lol.  He asks if I'd like a prescription for something that can help with it.  "It's completely safe for the baby".  No thanks.  It's nausea.  It's not painful.. just more of an annoyance.  I don't want to take anything more than I have to.  I just feel like you can never be too sure with medications and if I don't absolutely HAVE to take it..then I don't want to. So overall he seemed very positive (of course he usually always is, lol) and we scheduled our last appointment with him in two weeks.

We Have ONE Heartbeat!

Today was the first ultrasound!  After our first ultrasound experience, I was extremely nervous.  We got to the doctor's office early and waited in the lobby for a while.  During our wait I went to the ladies' room and saw the nurse that usually draws my blood work.  She said, Are you here for blood work again?  No, I said, I'm here for my first ob visit.  I was grinning from ear to ear.  After what seemed like forever, the ultrasound tech came out to get us.  I was glad to see it was the same ultrasound tech I've had during this entire experience with RBA.  She greeted us and said that the doctor hadn't made it in yet, but she saw it was me waiting so decided to go ahead and get us.  She said was sooo excited to see that we were pregnant.  It really warmed my heart.

So I change and assume the position on the table.  I was so nervous.  I start to think to over a year ago when I turned my head to that monitor and saw my precious baby... only to hear, "I'm sorry but there's no heartbeat".  Please... please don't let that happen this time I say.  She has the monitor facing her.. thank goodness, I think.  I'm anxiously awaiting news.. any news!!!  She says.. hold your breath.. and I do as she says.  Then she turns the sound on the monitor.  A heartbeat!!  No doubt about it.. it's a heartbeat!  Praise God!  She says that because I have a tilted uterus she's having a hard time measuring the baby.  She doesn't want to force anything so she's going to do the best she can.  She turns the monitor towards us and we see the "blip".  I can see the blinking light that is our baby's heartbeat.  But I have to be honest with you, I couldn't really see the baby :)

At any rate, I get dressed and we wait to see the doctor.  While we're in the room I hear him outside talking to the nurse.  I can't hear what she's saying but I make out what he's saying.  "Oh, no it's fine.  There was a heartbeat though so it's okay.  No.. <mumbles>".  He walks in and I immediately start to drill him.  What's wrong.. is something wrong?? What happened?  What were you talking about?  (Poor guy!)  He says.. well.. let me first start out by saying that sometimes the nurses stir up drama.  Huh?  He explains that when he came in and asked them how everything looked they said, not good.  He asked them why and they said.. she's 8 weeks and is only measuring 4 weeks.  But then he corrected them and said.. no she's only 6 weeks and 4 days and she's measuring 6 weeks.  I interrupted him and said, The ultrasound tech did mention that I was measuring 6 weeks but there's a variance of 5 days.. which I fall in.  I'm not sure where the nurses got that I'm 8 weeks or that I'm measuring 4 weeks because that's not what we were told.  Shoot, even our ultrasound pic says 6 weeks.  So what does that mean?  He says that measuring smaller than you are, does mean you have an increased risk of miscarriage.  In the last two months he's had four women who did FETs (frozen egg transfers) that measured smaller than they were.  Three women ended up carrying fine, one miscarried.  So everything could be just fine, or everything might not be.  We just have to wait and see.  He said once we hit 10 1/2 weeks, then our chances of miscarriage drops to 1%.  Hurry up 10 1/2 weeks!!  Note: this is also when I can stop the progesterone and estrogen injections.  Soooo once again.. Hurry up 10 1/2 weeks!!  My bottom is bruised and knotted and I'm having a hard time (or at least Jeremy is) finding injection sites!

Honestly, I am concerned about measuring a few days smaller than I should.  However, I do find comfort in knowing that she was having a hard time getting a true measurement because of my tilted uterus.  Our next ultrasound is in two weeks, so I'm sure we will know more then.  In the meantime we have a trip planned to USA Volleyball Adult Nationals in Kentucky.  Nationals is always a fun, fun, fun trip.. so I'm looking forward to the distraction!!  Let's go Pancakes and Muffins! :)

I'm Pregnant.. No I'm Not.. Yes I Am

My days are always filled with ups and downs.. but the past few days have especially been filled with them!  It all started on Friday.  I woke up that morning and realized I'd slept through the night.  All the other nights I woke up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom.  I just knew though, that I had miscarried.  I hadn't felt any symptoms since Tuesday.  My stomach was no longer bloated and it was back to being flat.  It's gone, I thought.  Friday evening as Jeremy and I were going to bed I fell to the ground in pain.  I had extreme cramping to where I couldn't do anything but lay on the floor crying.  I remember crying out, It's not FAIR!

The next day I just laid around the house all day.  I was angry, sad and resentful!  I was mad at God and at my doctor.  I thought donor eggs were supposed to be our answer.  Shoot, I had better luck with my own eggs and they were FREE!  That morning I didn't take my estrogen shot.  What's the point of enduring anymore pain, I'm not pregnant anymore!  Sunday came.  Mother's Day has to be my LEAST favorite holiday.  Society and the media assume that all women are mothers.. or have one.  Well guess what.. I am and have.. neither!  It was a constant bombardment of reminders that I am not a mother.. and have very little chance of ever being one.  How could I ever live my life with 40 more years of Mother's Days??  As the day continued I started to plan our life without children.  I'd decided that I'd spend the next six months getting my body back into shape and then Jeremy and I would spend Christmas vacation on an island.  Something we'd never be able to do with children.  I started to think of where I could donate all the baby items I have.  Pretty much I had resigned to the fact that we were destined to a life without children.  That night I didn't take my progesterone shot.  I thought, well at least I don't have to endure those painful shots anymore!!

Monday morning I woke up, once again, without having to wake up the middle of the night to go to the bathroom.  I went to my standing appointment for blood work, knowing the results already.  Afterwards I headed back to work.  I shared with a few coworkers and my boss that we had lost the baby.  I text my cousin and asked her to please share with her side of the family that we'd lost the baby because I just couldn't bear to call anyone and tell them.  3pm came along and the nurse called with my results.  She announced her name and asked how I was doing.   I said, not good.  When she asked why, I replied.. because I know what you're about to tell me.  She was like.. I'm confused.  She said.. your numbers look great.. your hcg level is 4093.  I started shaking and told her, that's impossible.. I'm not pregnant.  She was all.. excuse me?  Yes you are.  I said.. no.. I don't believe that test.  I told her I don't have any symptoms.. and I'm not talking about I'm missing one or two symptoms, but them all!  I even ran up the stairs this morning and wasn't out of breath!  My stomach is completely FLAT!  She said.. well you won't always have symptoms and maybe the bloating is down.  People don't always show at 6 weeks!  I said.. No.. I'm telling you.. I'm not pregnant.. I lost the baby.  She says.. There's no way your hcg could be that high if you've miscarried.  Nothing she was going to say was going to convince me that I was still pregnant.  Soooo.. I demanded an ultrasound.  I told her, you're going to do an ultrasound tomorrow to prove to me then!  I hung up the phone and immediately thought.. oh no.. I drank Dr. Pepper this weekend because I thought I wasn't pregnant anymore!  Seriously Leslie.. that's the one thing you think of?  I'd missed a dose of estrogen and progesterone.. but I was worried about drinking the Dr. Pepper?!  What's the lesson here kids?  NEVER stop taking your medication unless the doctor tells you.. AND.. apparently you can be pregnant and not have any symptoms for longer than a few days!  Ooooo when will this roller coaster come to a complete stop?!?!

Despite It All.. I am Blessed

Despite the heartache.. the pain... and the disappointment, despite it all... I am blessed.  I feel so lucky to have such a wonderful companion.. best friend.. and husband.  Throughout this whole process my husband has remained by my side.  He has honestly been my rock and I could not have remained so steadfast and brave if it wasn't for him.  No matter what decision I've made, he's always 100% supported me.  When I wake him up in the middle of the night because I feel the need to cry.. he gladly lends me his shoulder.  He has been absolutely amazing!  Every time I hear this song on the radio, I think of him.


One time I was sitting down to lunch with one of my best friends.  She asked how everything has affected Jeremy and I's relationship.  I replied.. Of course it's made us stronger.  Her reply was, no.. that's not a "of course".  With Jeremy and I, our difficult times have always made us stronger.  So for me, us becoming stronger because of this.. is an "of course".  I guess I didn't really think about how difficult times do tear couples apart.

When I was trying to decide between transferring one embryo or two, my aunt gave me the number to her friend.  She had been through a similar situation and thought she could provide some insight.  As I was speaking to her she was talking about how everything was so difficult on her and her husband's marriage.  That it almost destroyed it, they were really close to a divorce.  I said, oh.. well it's made my husband and I stronger.  He's been amazing through it all. Her response was, Well you're lucky!

So no matter what may result from this all.. in the end... I am still blessed to have the most amazing, supportive husband!

Normal to Neurotic

I've officially gone from Dr. Shapiro's most "normal" patient to his most neurotic.. and only because of the addition of one pink line!!  When I first went to Dr. Shapiro he explained to me that I would probably have very little chance of successfully doing ivf with my own eggs.  When I asked him if I could please try with myself first, he said on one condition.  He made me promise that if it didn't work, that I wouldn't fall to my hands and knees begging him to let me try again.  (Apparently this had happened to him with another patient).  I made the promise to him and I tried.  Aaaand it was a failure!  I kept my promise though, when he said what next.. I didn't fall to my knees.. I didn't cry.. I didn't plead.. I simply replied.. egg donation.  When we were discussing the donors with him we felt like their profiles covered any questions we had about the donor.  When he asked if we had anymore questions, our reply was simply.. nope.  Then I asked, do people normally ask more questions?  Is there something I should be asking but I'm not?  He laughed and tossed out a few silly (or what I deemed as silly) questions that some people have asked him in the past.  Then he said... honestly.. you're one of my most normal patients.  Me??  Normal??  Really because I don't see myself that way.

Well..... pretty sure I changed his perception of me yesterday, ha!  All day Sunday I didn't have any pregnancy symptoms.  I began to question if something was wrong.  Why don't I feel the cramping anymore?  I felt too good to be pregnant!  All of these horrible fears filled my thoughts.  I couldn't sleep all night.  I finally woke up my husband at 4:30am to literally just cry on his shoulder.  (Seriously, I have the MOST amazing husband EVER!)  What if we had lost our baby.. AGAIN!?  I couldn't stand the thought.  The next morning I called the doctor and left a message.  The nurse called me back and asked what was wrong.  I asked her if I could come in and take another test to check my hcg level.  She replied, is something the matter?  I told her that I didn't feel any symptoms all day on Sunday and I was scared.  She goes, well you won't have symptoms every day.  Did you experience spotting?  Any severe pain?  Nope.  Neither.  She says, well you're more than welcome to come in for another test, but it's not a true indicator that everything is going smoothly.  I told her I'd like to come in any way, just for the reassurance.

When I walked into their office I was greeted by the receptionist.  I told her that I probably wasn't on her appointment list but the nurse had to told me to come in.  She replies, yes Leslie.. Jennifer called and said to expect you.  I say, Did she say to expect her neurotic patient?  She says, How did you know?  I just start balling.. yes.. right there in the middle of the office for everyone to see!  She goes.. oh honey I'm kidding.  Lots of women do this same thing.. it's okay.  Any way, they took the test again.. and my hcg was 732.  Whew!  It's doubling like it should be.  For an instant I get reassurance that my baby is okay.  Just for an instant though.. because I'm sure as soon as I stop feeling symptoms again.. I will be fearful once again that we've lost our baby.  My next visit will be next Monday.. I hope I last that long!!!

5 Weeks

Today I am officially 5 weeks pregnant :)  I know.. doesn't seem like that far along to most of you.. but it's an accomplishment for me.

I've had very little nausea.. not since after the transfer at least.  Just bloating, constipation and EXTREME exhaustion!  It's usually around 10am when I'm ready for a nap now.  Yesterday I stayed home while Jeremy attended a volleyball function.  I slept on and off from around 6pm to around 11pm, when he got home.  I woke up to ask him how everything went and then went back to sleep for the evening.  I'm glad we don't have anything scheduled for this weekend.  I can be lazy and just lay around the house! Yay!

I have an appointment this coming Wednesday for another HCG test.  I'm thinking this time we'll be able to tell if we have twins or not.  If the HCG level is extremely elevated, it will be a sure sign.  Otherwise, we'll have to wait for the ultrasound to hear the heartbeat(s).  I would think that would be probably week 7.  The first time I was pregnant my first ultrasound was scheduled for week 7.  I can't wait to hear a heartbeat... or two!