My Purpose Picked Me

As I said before, this is the lowest I've felt since this whole process started.  My period is now 12 days late.. meaning I still don't have any idea when I will start my meds again or when we will get to try another transfer.  Last week both my acupucturist AND my counselor advised that I start to think about a new purpose for my life.  I need to come to terms with what my life would be like if we weren't able to ever have children.  I've always believed that my purpose in life is children.  When I was in high school and my early years in college I worked in a day care as a teacher.  I found soooo much joy in working with the 2 and 3 year olds.  I can still remember my favorites! ... Okay I'm back.  I just remembered the name of one of my students that I had a special bond with.. had to google his name to see what I found.  Wow.. I found youtube videos of him.. he's an amazing baseball player in HIGH SCHOOL. Hard to believe my little "doodlebug" is a teenager!  That totally aged me.  During my time at the day care I made a connection with him and his parents.  We lost touch when I went away to college and I've always wondered how he turned out.  Now I know :)

Anyway, knowing that I loved children so much I decided to study Elementary Education in college.  This was also the time that I began to have severe back pain and discovered that I have congenital fusion (L4 and L5 in my spine are fused from birth).  It causes a pinched sciatic nerve.. and constant tingling in my right leg.  This prohibits a lot of my physical activity.. such as running.. and heavy lifting.  Actually, when the doctors first found it, they said I'd never be able to run again.  At that time the doctors also told me that I should consider a different profession.  They felt that I wouldn't be able to tolerate the long periods of sitting and standing that a teacher endures.  In tears, I tried to explain to the doctor my love of children.. and his response to me was.. just have your own children instead of teaching!  I'd really like to find that doctor again and say.. NOW WHAT?!  Anyway, I quickly realized that my passion was children.. not necessarily teaching.. so I switched majors.  Fast forward to now when I'm faced with the inability to have children and I'm being told to consider a new life purpose.  When my acupuncturist asked me to even begin to think about it, my initial reaction was anger.  With all I'm going through.. I have to now ask myself to reevaluate my purpose in life?  Is this the best time to do this?  I know I can't handle any more than I've already been given!!  I remember in October when I was going through my first round of IVF.  I was at a friend's party with several other girls.  One of them starts talking about her children.. and how much her life is different because of them.  She says something like.. My life had no purpose before I had children.. they give me my purpose in life.  I remember thinking.. so what.. what about me and all the women out there that can't have children?  Does that mean our lives don't have purpose?  Hearing her words hurt me to the core!

As I'm driving into work today I decided to give it a try.  Hey.. there was traffic so I didn't have anything better to do!  What will be my new purpose in life if I never have children?  Let's see.. I'm good at crafts.  But what can I do with crafts that would give me purpose.. that would make me feel like my life is whole?  Then it occured to me.. I didn't choose my passion of crafts.. or children!  It wasn't like a just spinned a wheel to determine my purpose in life.  And I don't spin again when I'm unable to fulfil that purpose.  You don't PICK your purpose or your passion in life.  IT picks YOU!  I didn't choose my love of children.. it picked ME!  I can't turn that passion off and turn a new one on.  It doesn't work like that.  Just like my husband didn't pick his love of volleyball.  If he quit volleyball, his passion doesn't go away.. it's still there inside of him.  So just like I had to find a new way of fulfilling my purpose in life by changing career desires.. I will have to change my way of fulfilling my purpose again if I'm unable to have children.  So maybe I can't have children.. that doesn't mean my life doesn't have a purpose.. and it doesn't mean I can't change or make a difference in childrens' lives!  I raised my sister's daughter for several years and made a difference in her life.. and Jeremy's niece is being raised by his mom and could surely use another positive woman in her life!  So I refuse to change my purpose.. I refuse to let infertility take my passion and my purpose in life away from me!  Instead I choose to be open to finding a new method of fulfilling my purpose!  Okay life.. you closed door number 1 and 2 on me.. so tell me what is behind door number 3?