More Meds..

So yesterday I got half of my medication for this go around.  I thought I'd share a picture.  You see those long thick needles?  Yup.. those go in my butt/hip area!  I'm not sure who you should feel more sorry for though.. me.. or my husband that has to give them to me.

The other half of my medication will come later once I get closer to the actual transfer date... which, by the way, is still up in the air.  My period is now 9 days late.  I'm assuming that I will just skip this one and hopefully have it next month.  It's just frustrating because I can't start my medication until I start my period.  Each day it doesn't come is another day delay in doing the transfer.  I really had my heart set on a March transfer so I'd have a December due date.  When I was pregnant,  I was due in December.  I loved the thought of it.  December has ALWAYS been a hard month for me.  And anyone that knows me, knows that I don't like Christmas.  I guess I just was hoping that if my miracle baby came in December.. that it would make me love that month and warm up to Christmas. 

One of the things that has kept me going in this process is having a checklist.  When you are infertile you feel like you have no control over your body.. or anything in your life for that matter!  So honestly, I feel like the dates and calendars have given me this false sense of control.  When I was first diagnosed with Low Ovarian Reserve, I immediately made an appointment with a RE.  There.. I had it.. a date I could count down the days to.  After I saw the RE I immediately began the meds for ivf.  They give you a "protocol" to follow.  Thanks.. got my calendar for my fridge.  Every day I can check it off.. all the medications I need to take.. and a day to count down to.  When that failed I immediately went to egg donation.  Another date to count down to and another protocol for my fridge.  Then the ivf failure.  Now what?  Can I get a date please?  No date.. just whenever you start your period.  I emailed the nurse and told her I was late.. what can I do?  Just wait, there's nothing they can do for me.  I promise you if one more person says "there's nothing we can do for you" I will LOSE IT!  So here I am.. waiting.. not knowing a date.. no calendar on my fridge.. no mental checklist.  I feel like the last thing I could count on to is gone.  I can honestly say this is the lowest I have felt through out this entire process.  I feel like everything has been taken from me.. and it has left me angry.. VERY angry!

I shared my feelings with my acupuncturer.  She told me I need to just trust my body.. that it knows what it needs and apparently it needs more time.  Trust my body?  Trust the body that has let me down?  Why should I trust it?  It has done nothing for me to earn it's trust.  So as I'm laying there she tells me to breath in faith and trust.. and breathe out control.  I wish it was that easy.