I Give Up!

I am tired of feeling like I'm constantly fighting a losing battle.  I'm tired of constantly fighting.  I'm tired of having to constantly be strong.  I'm.  Tired.  My period is now 26 days late.  Last week I had mild cramping.  At first I thought that meant my period is coming.  After several days and it didn't come, I started to think maybe it was implantation cramping.  And maybe by some miracle God had cut me some slack and I was actually naturally pregnant.  How ironic would that have been?  Here we were in Indianapolis again.. exactly one year from the time I was pregnant last year.  I even thought.. oh goodie.. if I am pregnant I am totally going to start my own "idiot things you say to an infertile woman" saying.  "Just plan a trip to Indianapolis.. that will get you pregnant!"  Unfortunately the HPT said negative.  So what is causing the cramping then?  And why hasn't my period started?!

I made a call to my regular gyno.  She says, you really should go to your RE for care instead of going back and forth between us.  My response.. I realize that is ideal (obviously lady I don't live in an ideal world or I'd be PREGNANT RIGHT NOW!).. but every time I see him I pay out of pocket.  I've already given him over $25,000 and I'm kind of running low on funds right now.  I have this thing called medical insurance.. to which I pay a premium every month.. and which is no good at his office.. so I hope you can understand if I'd like to come to you and actually get some use out of my insurance!  Anyway, she agrees to see me for an ultrasound in a few days to see if maybe I have cysts.  Lovely, another possible hurdle.  I'm beginning to think maybe God is sending me clear signals that this just isn't meant to be and I'm not getting it.  Either way.. I'm just too tired to keep fighting right now.  I'm ready to lie down and accept my fate.