Worn

I'm tired
I'm worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes to keep on breathing

I've made mistakes
I've let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Cause I'm worn

I know I need
To lift my eyes up
But I'm too weak
Life just won't let up
And I know that You can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Cause I'm worn

And my prayers are wearing thin
I'm worn even before the day begins
I'm worn I've lost my will to fight
I'm worn so heaven so come and fluid my eyes

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Yes all that's dead inside will be reborn
Though I'm worn
Yeah I'm worn
-Tenth Avenue North

I Give Up!

I am tired of feeling like I'm constantly fighting a losing battle.  I'm tired of constantly fighting.  I'm tired of having to constantly be strong.  I'm.  Tired.  My period is now 26 days late.  Last week I had mild cramping.  At first I thought that meant my period is coming.  After several days and it didn't come, I started to think maybe it was implantation cramping.  And maybe by some miracle God had cut me some slack and I was actually naturally pregnant.  How ironic would that have been?  Here we were in Indianapolis again.. exactly one year from the time I was pregnant last year.  I even thought.. oh goodie.. if I am pregnant I am totally going to start my own "idiot things you say to an infertile woman" saying.  "Just plan a trip to Indianapolis.. that will get you pregnant!"  Unfortunately the HPT said negative.  So what is causing the cramping then?  And why hasn't my period started?!

I made a call to my regular gyno.  She says, you really should go to your RE for care instead of going back and forth between us.  My response.. I realize that is ideal (obviously lady I don't live in an ideal world or I'd be PREGNANT RIGHT NOW!).. but every time I see him I pay out of pocket.  I've already given him over $25,000 and I'm kind of running low on funds right now.  I have this thing called medical insurance.. to which I pay a premium every month.. and which is no good at his office.. so I hope you can understand if I'd like to come to you and actually get some use out of my insurance!  Anyway, she agrees to see me for an ultrasound in a few days to see if maybe I have cysts.  Lovely, another possible hurdle.  I'm beginning to think maybe God is sending me clear signals that this just isn't meant to be and I'm not getting it.  Either way.. I'm just too tired to keep fighting right now.  I'm ready to lie down and accept my fate.

Tumblers, Key Chains, License plates.. Oh My!

They say that idleness is the mother of all evil.. well I agree!  With my period still late and our inability to try again until it does come.. I have been in a state of idleness.  I figured this is the time to get back into crafting.  With everything that has been going on.. I haven't had much time for it.  Soooo there's no time like the present!  I figured it would be a great distraction.  I really had no idea it would turn into what it has.. a way for us to fund our quest to become parents!  I've always enjoyed making things for my friends.  Everyone always told me that I need to start my own business or charge people for it.  It's always been just a hobby though, and I never have ever considered turning anything I do into a profit.  I told Jeremy if I charged people it then became a job and I felt like it would take all the passion out of it.  However, when the opportunity to make money to help us reach our dreams of becoming parents.. I decided it might be time to rethink things.  Infertility treatments are expensive!!  Our insurance does not cover anything related to infertility so everything we've had to pay.. has been out of pocket.  Our expenses, so far, are well over $25,000 and still no baby :(  I knew when we started this journey that it would be a huge expense.. and I also knew I did not want it to become a huge financial burden for us either.  So with that being said, I decided to being open to selling my God given gift of creativity for a profit. 

My first "for profit" order is for A5 Volleyball Club.  It started out an order for 150 personalized keychains and grew into personalizing keychains, bag tags, straw tumblers, license plates, coffee tumblers and water bottles!  This weekend I will be joining the A5 proshop ladies at a tournament and selling my personalized items.  I am extremely nervous, vulnerable and excited all at the same time.  These are a few of the mockups I did for this weekend.  I literally have boxes of these items in my house!

 

The Angry Bird shirts are a few of the items I did for a friend.  (I also did tumblers, gift bags and buckets!) Her son is turning 4 and is having an Angry Bird themed party.  It was only my second attempt at layering so I was pretty excited how they turned out!  But anyway, that's how I keep busy while I wait for our next ivf transfer.  And if for some reason this avenue of funding our dream doesn't work out.. I will find a new one.  (I'm getting used to finding new avenues!) I at least helped our cause.. and had fun doing it! 

My Purpose Picked Me

As I said before, this is the lowest I've felt since this whole process started.  My period is now 12 days late.. meaning I still don't have any idea when I will start my meds again or when we will get to try another transfer.  Last week both my acupucturist AND my counselor advised that I start to think about a new purpose for my life.  I need to come to terms with what my life would be like if we weren't able to ever have children.  I've always believed that my purpose in life is children.  When I was in high school and my early years in college I worked in a day care as a teacher.  I found soooo much joy in working with the 2 and 3 year olds.  I can still remember my favorites! ... Okay I'm back.  I just remembered the name of one of my students that I had a special bond with.. had to google his name to see what I found.  Wow.. I found youtube videos of him.. he's an amazing baseball player in HIGH SCHOOL. Hard to believe my little "doodlebug" is a teenager!  That totally aged me.  During my time at the day care I made a connection with him and his parents.  We lost touch when I went away to college and I've always wondered how he turned out.  Now I know :)

Anyway, knowing that I loved children so much I decided to study Elementary Education in college.  This was also the time that I began to have severe back pain and discovered that I have congenital fusion (L4 and L5 in my spine are fused from birth).  It causes a pinched sciatic nerve.. and constant tingling in my right leg.  This prohibits a lot of my physical activity.. such as running.. and heavy lifting.  Actually, when the doctors first found it, they said I'd never be able to run again.  At that time the doctors also told me that I should consider a different profession.  They felt that I wouldn't be able to tolerate the long periods of sitting and standing that a teacher endures.  In tears, I tried to explain to the doctor my love of children.. and his response to me was.. just have your own children instead of teaching!  I'd really like to find that doctor again and say.. NOW WHAT?!  Anyway, I quickly realized that my passion was children.. not necessarily teaching.. so I switched majors.  Fast forward to now when I'm faced with the inability to have children and I'm being told to consider a new life purpose.  When my acupuncturist asked me to even begin to think about it, my initial reaction was anger.  With all I'm going through.. I have to now ask myself to reevaluate my purpose in life?  Is this the best time to do this?  I know I can't handle any more than I've already been given!!  I remember in October when I was going through my first round of IVF.  I was at a friend's party with several other girls.  One of them starts talking about her children.. and how much her life is different because of them.  She says something like.. My life had no purpose before I had children.. they give me my purpose in life.  I remember thinking.. so what.. what about me and all the women out there that can't have children?  Does that mean our lives don't have purpose?  Hearing her words hurt me to the core!

As I'm driving into work today I decided to give it a try.  Hey.. there was traffic so I didn't have anything better to do!  What will be my new purpose in life if I never have children?  Let's see.. I'm good at crafts.  But what can I do with crafts that would give me purpose.. that would make me feel like my life is whole?  Then it occured to me.. I didn't choose my passion of crafts.. or children!  It wasn't like a just spinned a wheel to determine my purpose in life.  And I don't spin again when I'm unable to fulfil that purpose.  You don't PICK your purpose or your passion in life.  IT picks YOU!  I didn't choose my love of children.. it picked ME!  I can't turn that passion off and turn a new one on.  It doesn't work like that.  Just like my husband didn't pick his love of volleyball.  If he quit volleyball, his passion doesn't go away.. it's still there inside of him.  So just like I had to find a new way of fulfilling my purpose in life by changing career desires.. I will have to change my way of fulfilling my purpose again if I'm unable to have children.  So maybe I can't have children.. that doesn't mean my life doesn't have a purpose.. and it doesn't mean I can't change or make a difference in childrens' lives!  I raised my sister's daughter for several years and made a difference in her life.. and Jeremy's niece is being raised by his mom and could surely use another positive woman in her life!  So I refuse to change my purpose.. I refuse to let infertility take my passion and my purpose in life away from me!  Instead I choose to be open to finding a new method of fulfilling my purpose!  Okay life.. you closed door number 1 and 2 on me.. so tell me what is behind door number 3?

More Meds..

So yesterday I got half of my medication for this go around.  I thought I'd share a picture.  You see those long thick needles?  Yup.. those go in my butt/hip area!  I'm not sure who you should feel more sorry for though.. me.. or my husband that has to give them to me.

The other half of my medication will come later once I get closer to the actual transfer date... which, by the way, is still up in the air.  My period is now 9 days late.  I'm assuming that I will just skip this one and hopefully have it next month.  It's just frustrating because I can't start my medication until I start my period.  Each day it doesn't come is another day delay in doing the transfer.  I really had my heart set on a March transfer so I'd have a December due date.  When I was pregnant,  I was due in December.  I loved the thought of it.  December has ALWAYS been a hard month for me.  And anyone that knows me, knows that I don't like Christmas.  I guess I just was hoping that if my miracle baby came in December.. that it would make me love that month and warm up to Christmas. 

One of the things that has kept me going in this process is having a checklist.  When you are infertile you feel like you have no control over your body.. or anything in your life for that matter!  So honestly, I feel like the dates and calendars have given me this false sense of control.  When I was first diagnosed with Low Ovarian Reserve, I immediately made an appointment with a RE.  There.. I had it.. a date I could count down the days to.  After I saw the RE I immediately began the meds for ivf.  They give you a "protocol" to follow.  Thanks.. got my calendar for my fridge.  Every day I can check it off.. all the medications I need to take.. and a day to count down to.  When that failed I immediately went to egg donation.  Another date to count down to and another protocol for my fridge.  Then the ivf failure.  Now what?  Can I get a date please?  No date.. just whenever you start your period.  I emailed the nurse and told her I was late.. what can I do?  Just wait, there's nothing they can do for me.  I promise you if one more person says "there's nothing we can do for you" I will LOSE IT!  So here I am.. waiting.. not knowing a date.. no calendar on my fridge.. no mental checklist.  I feel like the last thing I could count on to is gone.  I can honestly say this is the lowest I have felt through out this entire process.  I feel like everything has been taken from me.. and it has left me angry.. VERY angry!

I shared my feelings with my acupuncturer.  She told me I need to just trust my body.. that it knows what it needs and apparently it needs more time.  Trust my body?  Trust the body that has let me down?  Why should I trust it?  It has done nothing for me to earn it's trust.  So as I'm laying there she tells me to breath in faith and trust.. and breathe out control.  I wish it was that easy. 

A Bone Please!

Seriously God.. think you can throw me a bone here?!  Just one.  I don't think that's a lot to ask for!  So here I am.. my period is 5 days late.  The ONE time I'd like to see my period.. and I don't.  Big deal.. so I'm 5 days late, right?  Only that it throws my next transfer date off.  I had it planned for around March 20th, the day before Jeremy and I leave for Indy.  If it comes now or in a few days, I'll have stay home and do the transfer while Jeremy is out of town in Indy.  Which means I'll have to somehow find a way to give myself my shots.  If it's come even later than that, it interferes with a girls' weekend that I have planned for the first of April.  This morning I had to call the pharmacy and tell them to hold my presciption that was scheduled for delivery.  Progesterone has only a 30 day shelf life so I have to time it so that it doesn't expire before I use all of it. 

Why am I late??  The only time I've EVER been late was once.. and I was pregnant.  And I knew I was pregnant when I was ONE day late because I'm NEVER late!  Ever!  Of course the one time I need my period to show.. it doesn't.  I get it God.. you're AGAIN trying to teach me a lesson that I'm not in control of this.  I GET IT ALREADY!  When will you get that it doesn't matter how many times you show me I'm not in control.. I'll still try to control it.  You know I'm a Raborn.. and you know we are hard headed.  You can try to keep teaching me.. but I won't learn!  Seriously though.. I need this checklist.  It's the one thing I grasp on to because it's the only thing I have.