Mourning vs Depression

Having suffered from depression almost half my life, I've become familiar with the signs and symptoms.  I'd say I consider it to be one of my biggest fears.  The past few years I've gotten into the habit of doing everything to avoid it.  I know my own "triggers", as I call them, and do everything in my power to avoid them.  I would avoid crying.. feeling.. and pretty much anyone and anything that made me feel sad.  Sometimes this meant avoiding friends.. family.. activities, etc.  Honestly, it's exhausting batting away all the things in life that can make you feel sad.  But then infertility came along.  How in the world could I avoid that?!  There is no way to get away from it.  Not an hour goes by that I don't think about it, or am reminded of it.  I knew this would be something that would easily cause me to slip back into a deep depression and I also knew that's not somewhere I wanted to be!  Knowing that it's not something I could tackle alone, I took the proactive steps and sought counseling.   It also happened to be about the time that I started to do acupuncture, of course at the time it wasn't for depression specifically, more to help with infertility and the ivf treatments.

After my first ivf cancellation I went to an acupuncture appointment.  My acupuncturist asked how I was doing.  I told her I had a few sad days where I just couldn't face the world.. and that it scared me.  I felt the sadness and I wasn't able to control it or avoid it.  This is when she talked to me about the difference between mourning and depression. In my eyes there wasn't a difference.. whenever I felt sadness, it was soon followed by a battle with depression.  She explained to me that it was okay to mourn the loss of never being able to have a child that was genetically mine.  It's just like mourning the loss of a loved one when they pass.  I need to allow myself to feel that loss.. however that may be.  Having a few days of crying in bed is not unrealistic... being angry at God and the world is also not unrealistic.  What IS unrealistic is not mourning that loss.  Just think of what would happen if I didn't allow myself that.  There's no way I can avoid depression by just refusing to feel anything!  Those feelings could come back later.. stronger and more dangerous.  Holding all that in, isn't good for my body or soul.  (Jenny, my acupuncturist, would say it's not good for my qi lol)

After my last ivf failure, my counselor gave me a good rule of thumb.  2 days of sadness = this is okay.  2 weeks of sadness = this is borderline.. still may be okay but I need to be cautious.  2 months of sadness = this is a sign of depression and I need to seek professional advice.  Ahhh numbers and rules!  I can follow the rules if I know them!  Seems like such a simple rule of thumb.. but it's more helpful than I realized!  Now I feel comfortable allowing myself to cry.. to be angry.. to FEEL!  And I realize that it helps me be mentally healthier!