My Body Is Not My Own

I often feel like I've already donated my body to science.  There are times when I'm poked and prodded several times a day. If it's not a needle being inserted into an arm, a butt cheek or my stomach.. it's a camera or some other foreign object being inserted into me. I have a friend that calls me her little pin cushion.  I definitely feel like one! When I'm not being poked and prodded by a doctor.. I'm being violated by an esthetician that's preparing my body to be half way decent when it's on display!  Seriously.. it's a vicious cycle.

During the transfer I felt like I should have been passing out cheese and crackers to the party that was going on down there.  How many people really need to be invited to this event?  Are all of these people really neccessary?  And what's up with the "small talk"?  Is that for my benefit.. because you could have fooled me!  I especially love the off the cuff remarks from the doctors.. "You have a short cervix".. "You're cervix has a strange curve to it".  How do you respond to that?  Uhhh.. thanks?!  You can't be shy or modest going through all of this.  If you are, you better quickly get over it! 

I want my body back.. because I no longer feel like it's my own!!

Worst Pain EVER!

Today was the day for the endo scratch.  I was expecting a little bit of cramping during the procedure, but I was wrong.  It started out like any normal pap smear but then I felt EXTREME cramping!  I literally start crying out, Oh God!  Both the doctor and the nurse are yelling, "Breathe Leslie, breathe!  Take a deep breath and hold it in."  Easier said than done, I'm still sick with chest congestion!  It hurts to take deep breaths.  And this cramping is even worse!  Then I hear the doctor say, oh.. your contracting has pushed it out.  Pushed what out?  I can't help the contracting!  It HURTS!!  I just kept saying, please let this be over!  After a few minutes whatever was being done down there was over.  Whew.  Immediate relief.  I stay laying down for a few minutes because my face is so flush I'd probably faint if I tried to get up.  The doctor says, I know it's painful.. that's why I make it an option for my patient.  Option?!  I replied, I don't remember this being an option.  Why didn't you tell me before the procedure that it's optional?  He says, I didn't?  Ohhh funny guy.. gotta love him!  Anyway, it was over.  On my mental checklist I check off "Endo scrape".  Done!  Next!!  And please don't ever make me have to put this back on my mental checklist!!

Filter: Off

Yesterday I was at work just chatting with a few coworkers after one of our weekly meetings.  There were three of them, all with children.  One of them mentions that she would be living in a downtown trendy flat in the city if she didn't have her children.  The others piped in and start discussing how grand their lives would be without children.  Not necessarily that they resent the lives they have now, but just how different it would be without their children.  They talked about the fabulous vacations they would be taking, different areas of town they'd live in.. and the expensive cars they could be driving.  I'm listening to them as they continue to say, oh the wonderful, exciting lives they would lead.  I finally say, you should preface all of this with the fact that you'd have these lifestyles if you had made the decision to NOT have children.  Because I am here to tell you, if you didn't have them and wanted them, you wouldn't have those lifestyles.  All that money you could be spending on lavish vacations and fancy cars.. you'd be spending on just trying to have a child.  Trust me, I know!  Boy do I ever know it too well!!  Yup, one of the many times my filter was off haha!

Perspective

This year's Valentine's Day had a rough start and by the end of the day had me saying "Worst. Valentine's. Ever!"  This entire week has been a difficult one for me. I woke up Sunday with a terrible cough.  It quickly progressed to body aches and chest congestion.  I stayed home from home Monday.. Tuesday and even Wednesday.  I decided to go into work on Thursday for one main reason, my husband told me that he had ordered a Valentine's present for me and had it delivered to my work.  He obviously was not thinking when he did that, knowing that I ALWAYS work from home on Thursdays.  He said by the time he realized his mistake, it was too late to change his order.  So Thursday morning I headed off to work.  By the time I arrived, I was already exhausted.  By 10am I had taken my second dose of TheraFlu and still was not seeing any relief from the coughing.  At noon I called the doctor and begged for an appointment, luckily they had a 3pm opening.  Since the doctor's office is down the street from work, that meant I had to somehow survive work until my 3pm appointment.  2:30pm came along and it was time for me to leave for my doctor's appointment.  One problem, my husband's gift had not arrived.  I text'd my husband and asked him if whatever he ordered would be okay at the office over the weekend.  He said that it wouldn't, and needed to be refrigerated in order to keep.  At this point I was frustrated.  Here I was at work, sick as a dog and miserable, and the only reason I was there was because my husband sent my present to my work address when he should have sent it to our house.  On my way out the door I popped my head into my boss's office and asked that he look out for the package and to just take care of it.  Somehow.  I honestly didn't care how!  It was 3pm and I made it to the doctor's office.  By this time I'm having a very difficult time breathing, almost gasping for air.  As I waited in the waiting room my cell phone rings.  I didn't recognize the number but had a feeling that I should answer it.  I had left a message at our dog's vet office so they were returning my call.  I explained to the vet the reason I was concerned about George W.  I had scheduled a dental cleaning for him in a few weeks, but noticed his gums looked abscessed around a few teeth.  The last few days after we put food in his bowl, he would pace the kitchen for about thirty minutes before he actually ate.  I felt like maybe he was in pain so was having a hard time eating.    She tells me that dogs will eat even when their gums are in pain.. that not eating might be a sign of nausea.  That the nausea might be a sign of his organs shutting down.  Umm what?  She says, I see that George W is 9 years old.. it's time to start preparing yourself to let him go.  I remember thinking, Whoa!  This conversation is going downhill.. and fast!  I said, I don't see signs of his organs shutting down, I mean he's still youthful!  She tells me a story of how she owned a golden retriever who's heart went out at the age of 8. I said, well he'll be in for his dental cleaning in a few weeks so we'll see what the blood work shows.  She tells me that a few weeks might be too late, that I need to get him in immediately.  If his organs are shutting down there isn't anything they could do, but I need to consider his quality of life.  I wanted to scream.  I remember thinking, this is not happening to me!  Next to my husband, my dog is my best friend!!  I can't have a baby, I'm so sick I wish I was dead and this woman is telling me my dog is dying?! WORST. VALENTINE'S. EVER!!

After my doctor's appointment I swing back by the office to pick up my gift.  I go straight home and make cupcakes for Jeremy's team.  Around 10pm I drive up to the gym where I see my husband for the  first time on Valentine's Day.  I finally get into bed around midnight.  I'm exhausted, broken and STILL coughing!

The next morning I log into my work computer from home.  I'm immediately greeted by an instant message from a friend.  She tells me about the phone call she received last night from her sister.  Yesterday her sister's husband was diagnosed with a tumor and it is terminal.  Her sister is a stay at home mom to two little boys and her husband probably had only a few months to live.  Perspective.  I may be temporarily miserable with this virus. I may not ever be able to have children and I may even soon lose my best friend, George W.  But I still had my husband.. and we are both healthy and happy.  I change my mind.  BEST. VALENTINE'S. EVER!!

You Should be Pregnant

Gotta love when your RE tells you, "You should be pregnant."  Today was our "post ivf" appointment with the doctor.  After telling one of his quirky stories he sits down and basically says.. I don't know what to tell you.. you should be pregnant.  I was like.. I should be.. but I'm not!  What happened to my "perfect embryo"??  "These things happen.. "  Figures these things happen to me!  If I didn't have such a wonderful husband, I'd swear that the world was out to get me.  Anyway, the doctor again explains it was nothing with me.. but everything wrong with the embryo.  I still have a hard time believing that.  On the flip side, he was really positive about our chances.. and said he was confident that we would get our baby.  We were lucky that so many of the eggs they thawed for us survived, and so many of them did so well after fertilization. Unlike most couples going through this same egg donation process, we have three really good opportunities left (two more than most do!).  This means if we wanted, we could try three more times.  We mentioned to him that we'd like to transfer the two day 5 embryos next.  He was adamant that if we wanted to transfer two, we did one day 5 embryo and one day 6 embryo.  Less chance of twins, and it also meant we were not putting our two best embryos in the same transfer.  So after this next transfer, if we need it, we still have a great day 5 embryo left.  He also mentioned that they just recently updated their success rates for egg donation ivf for 2012.  The success rate went up to 85% (from 80%) after two transfers.  Seriously, if this second transfer doesn't take.. I'm in the 15% of failures.  I have a hard time swallowing that.  A 15% chance that I don't get pregnant.. 15%!

In a few weeks I will go back for an endo scratch.  It's been shown to help improve our chances of success after an ivf failure.  Then on my next period, I will start the estrogen shots again.  That would put our next transfer around March 20th.  March is a busy month for our house.. with club volleyball in full swing.  I'm hoping this will keep my mind off of everything!

Mourning vs Depression

Having suffered from depression almost half my life, I've become familiar with the signs and symptoms.  I'd say I consider it to be one of my biggest fears.  The past few years I've gotten into the habit of doing everything to avoid it.  I know my own "triggers", as I call them, and do everything in my power to avoid them.  I would avoid crying.. feeling.. and pretty much anyone and anything that made me feel sad.  Sometimes this meant avoiding friends.. family.. activities, etc.  Honestly, it's exhausting batting away all the things in life that can make you feel sad.  But then infertility came along.  How in the world could I avoid that?!  There is no way to get away from it.  Not an hour goes by that I don't think about it, or am reminded of it.  I knew this would be something that would easily cause me to slip back into a deep depression and I also knew that's not somewhere I wanted to be!  Knowing that it's not something I could tackle alone, I took the proactive steps and sought counseling.   It also happened to be about the time that I started to do acupuncture, of course at the time it wasn't for depression specifically, more to help with infertility and the ivf treatments.

After my first ivf cancellation I went to an acupuncture appointment.  My acupuncturist asked how I was doing.  I told her I had a few sad days where I just couldn't face the world.. and that it scared me.  I felt the sadness and I wasn't able to control it or avoid it.  This is when she talked to me about the difference between mourning and depression. In my eyes there wasn't a difference.. whenever I felt sadness, it was soon followed by a battle with depression.  She explained to me that it was okay to mourn the loss of never being able to have a child that was genetically mine.  It's just like mourning the loss of a loved one when they pass.  I need to allow myself to feel that loss.. however that may be.  Having a few days of crying in bed is not unrealistic... being angry at God and the world is also not unrealistic.  What IS unrealistic is not mourning that loss.  Just think of what would happen if I didn't allow myself that.  There's no way I can avoid depression by just refusing to feel anything!  Those feelings could come back later.. stronger and more dangerous.  Holding all that in, isn't good for my body or soul.  (Jenny, my acupuncturist, would say it's not good for my qi lol)

After my last ivf failure, my counselor gave me a good rule of thumb.  2 days of sadness = this is okay.  2 weeks of sadness = this is borderline.. still may be okay but I need to be cautious.  2 months of sadness = this is a sign of depression and I need to seek professional advice.  Ahhh numbers and rules!  I can follow the rules if I know them!  Seems like such a simple rule of thumb.. but it's more helpful than I realized!  Now I feel comfortable allowing myself to cry.. to be angry.. to FEEL!  And I realize that it helps me be mentally healthier!