Consider Infertility a Blessing

I remember calling my dad for the first time after I'd gotten the news.  I was in tears as I told him I might not ever be able to have children.  His response?  "Well, consider it a blessing.. kids can be a pain in the ass."  A blessing?  Consider infertility a blessing?  I'm trying to search for anything GOOD about infertility and I'm coming up empty.  Does he really think the inability to have children is a blessing?  And the "kids" that he's referring to .. is that me?  Does he consider me to be a pain in his ass?  And just because I am maybe a pain in his ass.. does that mean that he would rather not have me around?  I mean.. my husband can be a pain in my ass sometimes too but I would never ever think that not having him around is a blessing!  And while my dad may be right about kids being a pain in the ass.. I want the option to choose!  The choice of having children has been stripped from me!!  If you don't want children, that's great.. that's your choice.  I don't get that option!
I didn't speak to my father for several months after that.  The next time I spoke to him is when he called to tell me that my grandmother was in the hospital.  This is when he says to me.. "And just for the record, I don't agree with how you're going about having a child." At first I thought, what do you mean how I'm going about it.  Surely he doesn't mean ivf, because what could he have against it?  He's an atheist, so he can't have any religious opinions on it!  He goes on to say.. "I don't agree with you spending that kind of money. I don't think it's worth it."  I lost it!  Excuse me?  You don't agree with how I'm spending my money because YOU don't think a child is worth it?  First of all, I make my own money and support myself. I did not ask you for a dime!  Therefore, you have NO right to tell me how I can or can not spend my money.  If this is what I choose to spend it on.. then so be it!  But did I also just hear you say you don't think a child is worth it?  Does that mean you can put a price on having me?  Am I that much of a pain in the ass that if you had to do it all over again and had to pay to have me.. you wouldn't do it?  I am wondering.. at what point did he realize I am a pain in the ass to him.  Was it when I stuck by him when he struggled through alcoholism even though my sister left him... or maybe when I earned my college degree.. or when I bought my first, second or third home?  Ohhh maybe it was when he realized I had a great career and was completely independent.  Yeah, I can totally see how he'd think I'm a pain in the ass..
How could a father be so bold and COLD to have shared that with their daughter?  Father or not.. don't ever impose your views or choices on me. Especially when I am hurting so much as it is!

I Caused My Ovaries to Fail

Typically when you're needing support or comfort you turn to your family.  Right?  When I finally realized what the repercussions of having a low AMH was, I turned to mine.  I was at the lowest point in my life, and trust me.. I've been through a lot in my life.  I've always been real close to my grandma.  My father raised me and my sister with my grandma's help.  We lived with my grandparents for many of my childhood years... so she's always been more like a mother to me.  I called her first and explained my diagnoses and that it meant I may never have children.  She pretty much had the same reaction as I did.  "I don't understand.. but you got pregnant once.. you can get pregnant again!"  Yeah, yeah.. I hear ya.. I don't understand either.  But then the WORST question I've been asked came, "Well is there something you did in your past, that maybe you regret, that could have caused this?"  Funny thing is.. for a split second I started reliving my past.  Hmm.. is there something I could have done that caused this?!  Let me think about it.. Drugs?  Nope!  Smoking?  Nope!  Abortion? NEVER! Alcohol?  Well.. I have a drink every once and a while.. but nothing that I would think would cause ovarian failure.  Wait!  WHAT?  Am I seriously asking myself if there's something I could have done to cause this?  Hold on.. did I hear that right?  What was the question again?  Surely she doesn't think that I caused this?!  I can't imagine anything that anyone could have done to themselves that could cause premature ovarian failure.  I finally responded.. Uh.. no grandma.. nothing in particular comes to mind.  Geesh!!

Genius Ways to Get Pregnant

I've decided to continue my theme of  "What NOT To Say To A Woman Struggling With Infertility".  Today, because of this blog, I had a friend reach out to me and share her own infertility struggles.  While I would never wish infertility on my worst enemy, it's always comforting to hear other women's stories.  I especially love to hear when they have a happy ending as hers does!  Anyway, she reminded me of another one of my least favorite "miracle cures" people have for infertile couples.  "Just stop trying and you'll get pregnant" or "Just start the adoption process and you'll get pregnant".  Ohhh yes!  You are an absolute genius!!  I can't believe I didn't think of that!  And how in the world it didn't occur to my Reproductive Endocrinologist, I will never know!  It totally makes sense that NOT trying to get pregnant or starting the adoption paperwork has a complete correlation to my ovaries working!!  Do these people really think about what they say before they say it?  Sometimes I seriously wonder.  Just because you heard of ONE couple (that were more than likely suffering from unexplained infertility) that were able to get pregnant after years of unsuccessful attempts once they stopped trying doesn't mean it's the "miracle cure" for my ovaries not working.

Us + Infertility <> Adoption

I keep saying one day I'm going to write a book.. "What NOT To Say To A Woman Struggling With Infertility".  Number one on the list will be, "Well, there's always adoption".  Nothing aggravates me more than when someone says that to me. Just so you know, adoption is NOT the default answer to an infertile couple's problems!  Don't get me wrong, I think it's great that couples decide to adopt!  Lord knows there are plenty of great kids that need loving parents.  However, please don't assume that adoption is right for every couple.  Jeremy and I both think it's a wonderful answer for many couples.. just not us.  For one, I've already raised someone else's child.  So I already know the difficulties in raising a child who is not your own;  trust me when I say, they are plentiful!  Second, I can't tell you how many stories I've heard about the difficulties couples go through during the adoption process.  Talk about an emotional roller coaster!  I wouldn't be able to handle it if the birth parents changed their mind right before the child was in our care.  Even more so, AFTER the child had been placed in our home!  Just the thought of it tears my heart up.  There are many other reasons but these are my main two for my personal decision to not be open towards adoption.  So please do me a favor: next time someone shares their struggles of infertility with you, do not tell them that there's always adoption - like it's some sort of miracle cure for them.